At the Doctor's Office
by Roxie Faye
Summary: Mello is never nice to anyone except Matt. What happens when he meets a Mary Sue? Warnings: Crack!fic and an all-knowing self-insert Mary Sue.


**Disclaimer:** Death Note belongs to Tsugumi Ohba, Takeshi Obata, Shonen Jump, Madhouse, Viz, and a whole lot of other people. I am not one of them and I do not own Death Note (come on, if I did, that would not have happened to Mello and Matt at the end!). I'm not making any money and no copyright infringement is intended.

**Complete list of warnings: **Character spoilers if you haven't got up to Episode 27, obviously AU if you've seen the end of the series as this is set _after_ the resolution to the Kira case, complete blatant and shameless self-insertion (including the fact that I'm half-Asian) in the form of a Mary-Sue, OOC Mello, mentioning of sex, mentioning of a homosexual relationship, copious amounts of swearing, and taking the Lord's name in vain.

**A/N: ** Alright, I've never attempted humor, much less crack!fic in my life. Humor is a difficult genre to write to begin with. Let me know if you think this works, or doesn't work.

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* * *

After the Kira case, Mello was totally aching, and not just for Matt. Actually, Matt was getting pretty sick of him pissing and moaning around the apartment about how much his arm and shoulder hurt ever since he'd dislocated it from the stunt they pulled during the Kira case. The seductive massages turned sex weren't even worth it anymore, and that was saying something. Matt suggested Mello go see a doctor about it - an orthopedist specialist he knew of that was the best in the area. Of course, Mello being Mello, refused to see the doctor because it required going outside. So he yelled about it inside the apartment instead. Unfazed, Matt resolutely cut Mello off from sex, which forced him to go to the doctor.

On his way there, Mello thought about how he really would have liked if it Matt had gone with him to the doctor's office because he's smart enough to know that he's got zero people skills, but nooooo, Matt had a _job_ that he _actually_ had to work at! And this doctor is so damn popular that he'd have to wait another full month to be seen at a time when Matt was out from work. He wasn't about to put up with no sex for a whole month, and thus, he had to go today, alone.

Well, he at least arrived at the doctor's office and made it unscathed to the window where he was supposed to sign himself in. The receptionist recognized his name as a new patient and suddenly shoved a clip board with tons of papers to fill out at him, as she rattled off about needing his insurance card now, so she could input the information.

Now, Mello was already embarrassed, having gone out in _public_ (without Matt!) in the first place, and then being bombarded by this perky paper pusher. Not to mention, to make matters worse, he didn't _have_ an insurance card! He didn't work, he didn't need to - he hadenough money to last both him and Matt two lifetimes - and like hell he was covered under Matt's insurance anyway.

He mumbled that he didn't have one, but of course the receptionist was too busy being perky.

"I'm sorry, could you repeat that?"

"I said, I haven't GOT any insurance," he piped up in a derisive tone. He was just about to go fill out the damned forms she gave him, when she launched into an entire clause about is he sure he hasn't got any, and that he will need to sign an agreement acknowledging that he's responsible for the amount of today's visit and blah blah blah.

Finally finished yakking her head off (which he really wished she did), Mello told her off, "I GET it, and yes I'll pay for the fucking visit!" With that, he stalked off to fill out his forms.

While reading through all the shit they put on these damned things, Mello stalled at the very first line where it said "Name." He nearly facepalmed. Intellectually, he knew it was an easy enough question for normal people. But Mello was decidedly anything but normal, having been second in line to the throne -- ahem, position -- of the world's greatest detective, running with the Mafia, and finally saving that arrogant jackass detective's skin, solving the case by confirming the existence of a _second_ freaking notebook. He was not normal, and he didn't even go by a real name anymore. There were only a few people in the world who knew what his real name was, and that perky receptionist was not about to be one of them. In the end he wrote "Mello" on the top of the sheet and left the last name blank, moving on to the line that said "address," where, not a genius for nothing, he wrote down his PO Box number, instead of the apartment where he and Matt live because it was dangerous to give out locations like that, you know? He decided to really give them his cell phone number, though, because doctors did sometimes call you for legitimate reasons, to review results of tests and stuff like that.

As he went on, the questions became more and more incredulous, asking him to be so specific as to the nature of his complaint, how long it was since the problem started, etc. Mello didn't really see a point because the doctor probably was not going to read the forms, and he'd make Mello tell it to him verbally anyway.

He finally finished filling out the forms and handed them and the clip board back to the receptionist. Simple enough, right? Yeah, well, that dumb receptionist had the nerve to tell him, "Sir you didn't fill in your last name."

_Kristus!_ He filled out everything else on that damn form, even all the superfluous, pointless questions it asked, and she had the fucking _nerve_ to ask him to fill in his last name as well? And so Mello, who had remarkably held out from yelling at anyone for the last fifteen minutes, finally snapped. "What do you mean I have to write in a last name? What kind of orthopedist's office is this??"

She looked stunned for a moment, as did all the other patients in the waiting room, but she tried not to let it get to her and continued in that polite, perfectly irritating tone, "I'm sorry but we will need that information for our records, sir and--"

"I'll handle him," said a new voice, and Mello noticed a preppy Asian chick standing behind the perky receptionist.

"If you're sure, Anne?" said the receptionist.

"Yeah." Just fan-bloody-tastic. Well, it's not the Asian part -- there were plenty of Asians in LA (going to Japan hadn't been too different from LA, considering the number of Asians milling about the Californian city). It was the preppy part, and he could tell she was gonna be as annoying as the receptionist. "Why don't you come in ...Mello, was it?"

He made a noncommittal noise and stepped inside, where she led him to a patient room right away, gesturing for him to take a seat. She closed the door behind them because this was Mello they were talking about, and she was pretty sure he was going to yell at some point. The other patients did not need to hear him acting completely obnoxious.

"So pick a last name," she instructed him, the clip board in one hand and a pen in the other.

"What the hell?"

"Pick. a. last. name. What are you, an idiot? If you haven't got one, _make something up_ and put in on the sheet."

"Hey, I'm not the stupid one. _You're_ the one working in a fucking office, filing papers."

"Well we can't all be a Wammy kid now can we!" she retorted sarcastically, "And excuse me if I actually have to work at a summer job, but I assure you, **Berkley** is no dummy school."

'_Wammy kid, who the hell is this girl?_' Mello thought to himself. Should he be worried about her knowing too much? Nah, even if she did, he'd just get rid of her; it's not like it would be that hard.

"So pick a last name that I can write down, or I'll pick one for you. ...And I'll make it **River**," she challenged.

"You fucking--!" he shouted at her, half agog that she knew about Near, half because of the suggestion she made concerning someone he hates, and half because she even knew Nate's - er, Near's - real name. Does that mean she knew his?

"Okay well, we can put Keehl on it, then."

"No!" He growled. Well, that answered that question.

"Jeevas it is."

"Shut the fuck up. Where the hell did you get all this stuff??"

"You mean why do I know about who you are, your rivals and ahem "friends" and where you grew up? I heard it at a party last weekend! A friend of a friend has an acquaintance who is an acquaintance of the mafia, who told him about the girl you kidnapped. So I had to ask why you kidnapped her which is when I heard about the notebook and the whole dramatic saga of how you solved the Kira case! Usually when I'm bored I wonder what it would be like if celebrities, book characters, whatever, came into our office. And this week I've been bored, wondering what it would be like if you or Near or somebody came in. ...And I can't believe you're here! Eeee!" she squealed, her arms flapping her arms and stars forming in her eyes. "This is so cool, you're so bad ass!!"

Mello was completely taken aback by her reaction, but if some chick wanted to worship him, hey, why not? He could dig that. So he shifted his pose, looking cocky.

The moment was short lived, however, because she then remembered what she was supposed to be doing. Her demeanor turned business-like again. "Name, please. Seriously."

Oi! She just had to ruin his moment of strutting, didn't she? "Alright alright," he growled. "Put down... Suklaa."

"Great! Now that wasn't so hard, was it? We'll put your information into the computer and the doctor will be right in to see you. " She said, all perky again.

"Yeah, and make sure he reads what I wrote before coming in!" he shouted as she left the room. "I didn't answer all those questions so he could ask me them again!"

-

A little while later, Anne heard loud noises coming from the room she put Mello in. The doctor came out, sighing heavily. "This guy is crazy. He's shouting in there."

"Yeah, we can hear him all the way out here." The girls in the office nodded their heads in sympathy.

"You didn't read his chart, did you," Anne asked him.

"Yes, I read it. I asked him to explain more completely what happened. And he flipped out."

"Yeah, he's not big into repeating himself. Tell you what - I'll go in there with you and make him behave."

"Not sure how you're gonna manage that one, but okay," the doctor agreed skeptically.

So she and the doctor went into the patient room once again. Slamming the door, Anne gave Mello a look that said he was in trouble.

"You'd better quit all your yelling and let the doctor help you," she threatened him.

"And what are you gonna do to me," he sneered, snapping off a piece of chocolate.

"I'll call Matt and tell him."

Mello scoffed at her. "You don't have his number, and it's not listed anywhere. Don't think I'm going to fall for that."

"You just gave us a phone number on the forms you filled," she pointed out to him.

"And I put _my_ cell number on there!"

"Well yes," she smiled sweetly and blatted her eyelashes innocently, "You wrote down your number, but is that the phone you grabbed this morning when you left?" It was a bluff and a long shot, but the gods of Murphy's Law were on her side today, not Mello's.

Mello pulled out the phone from his pocket and sure enough, it wasn't his. If he had Matts, then Matt must have his... "DAMN IT!" '_Matt I'm going to KILL you_, he thought silently, staring at the phone that was obviously not his. '_This is all your fault!_'

He was smart enough that Anne didn't have to spell out the rest of her threat, so she left Mello with the doctor and returned to her filing, enjoying the peaceful sounds audible without Mello making a racket. After a while, Mello finally emerged, mumbling his thanks to the doctor. Anne made his next appointment, since he wouldn't tolerate anyone else so well. Taking all the chocolate pieces from the candy dish at the window, he finally left.

-

"So, how'd it go?" Matt was already home when Mello returned.

"You took my cell phone this morning!" He completely ignored Matt's question.

"Yeah, I realized that after I went to work. Sorry, man."

"Yeah, well..." growled Mello, trailing off. He wasn't about to let Matt to know some little preppy girl used the mix-up against him and _won_.

Mello's phone rang for the first time all day, Fall Out Boy blaring. Still in possession of his phone, Matt flipped it open.

"Yea. Oh really? Uhuh. Of course it was." He laughed for a minute. "I see. I think I will, then. Thank you." He snapped the phone shut and traded it with the one Mello had.

"Who was that?" Mello wanted to know.

"Mmm. That was my friend, Anne, from the doctor's office. Despite an incident or two, it seems you did well, going on your own."

Mello's eyes almost bugged out. "You _know_ that Asian-know-it-all?"

Matt ignored his question that time and instead grabbed hold of Mello's vest, pushing him into the bedroom. "I think being a good boy at the doctor's deserves more than a sticker and some candy, don't you?"

Mello smirked. Hell yes. At least today wasn't a complete disaster.

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**End notes:** I work in a doctor's (specialist) office. We are connected to another office that is an orthopedist. And I do file charts and occasionally wonder what it would be like if my favorite anime characters walked in and had an appointment. We get a lot of crazy people... but none as crazy as Mello. XD

Kristus is Slovene for "Christ" and Saklaa is Finnish for "chocolate." And no, Finnish has nothing to do with Mello, but I have a Finnish friend, so that's why I chose it. Mello's ringtone is "This ain't a scene, it's an arms race," by Fall Out Boy, only because I think it's a nifty song, and there's a cool Mello video to it on YouTube (done by "Hikaripop" - check it out).

Thanks for reading!


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